Brain Cooties + Familial Stress = Imminent Nuclear Meltdown

So...I decided to start blogging again...hopefully it can give me an outlet, since it looks like home and partner are NOT going to be one.
I was first dx with mild schizophrenia at 16, then Bipolar Disorder was added after a severe bout of PPD following the birth of my first daughter. PTSD was added during therapy about 2 yrs later as my severely abusive upbringing and the panic attacks that I suffered throughout my teens and 20s was explored. Finally, some mild OCD was tacked on with relation to little things like lined up pill bottles, only even numbers for tv and radio volumes, checking and re-checking the door at night, and having to re-type a word that I misspell on the 'puter instead of just fixing the actual letter(s) that are wrong or using spell-check in the editing process...these are pretty minor things and by and large they don't really impact life too much, (although I have left my lane on the road quite a few times when obsessing about the radio volume) :blush: The BPD is my major daily hurdle without a doubt.
Anyhoo...I've been on medication steadily for 5 yrs now (since an even worse bout of PPD after the birth of my twins). It took about 1-1 1/2 yrs to get the cocktail right, but once we did, it was like a whole different way of life was revealed to me. Keeping in mind that I was doing everything "right" Therapy, meds, journaling, recognizing when my head was getting a little too tight and trying to fix it without popping another pill, (walking, reading, music, etc.) About a yr ago or so I started getting manic again and I was having a LOT of trouble with my teeth, (I only have about 9 left, and all of them are broken somewhere or another.) I had been on Wellbutrin for 2 yrs and also 200mg apiece of Topamax and Lamictal daily. I'd already been genetically predisposed to bad teeth, but they've really gone to hell since I started the meds.
At any rate, I've been trying different med combos in the last 10 months or so, (even spent a hellish couple of months on Lamictal alone, THAT was a kettle o' joy right there!!) In the last month I have had a violent allergic reaction to Tegretol that had me in the ER twice in 30 hrs, and cardiac side effects when stepping back onto Topamax, (didn't have that problem before but I have CHF and dilated cardiomyopathy) that got me admitted to the hospital for 40 hrs on IV lasix to get rid of the excess fluid I was retaining before I went back into heart failure. I was just stepping up my dose to 50mg a day, (I know, a very low dose) yet stopping it abruptly had me hearing voices, banging my head on a window repeatedly, rapid cycling, and visualizing launching myself through a stained glass window. FUN.. right??!! The nurses were aware of this, but since I was on the cardiac floor, where they just don't have experience with mental illness, they released me anyway. It wasn't feasible family-wise for me to stay, but part of me wishes I had because I'm not in any better state and now I'm here at home and floundering on my own.
To cap it all off, my fiancee of 15 yrs and I were having a discussion yesterday about how I just don't feel like I can open up to him about the stuff that's rattling around in my head, and what was supposed to be about me quickly turned into him talking about how much his life sucks and him crying about the general shittiness of his situation. Now, we live together and have 3 kids together, so it's really our situation, but as is most often the case, he was focusing on just how much the scales are weighted against him...that happens a lot. The situation only went downhill from there, he grabbed me by the throat, shoved me against the stove, terrified our 5 yo kids and our 13 yo, (she wanted to call the cops). He told me how much he resents my mental illness, how shitty a person I am, how much I don't care about him, yadda yadda yadda...he also grabbed a knife and wedged it between us, screaming at me to kill him. He'd been drinking and was jonesing for weed, (he's a real nightmare when he doesn't heve it) and finally I just decided to take the kids to my sister's for the night. He yelled at me about how he just expects me to run away, and that I should go ahead and call 911 so they could arrest him, then I'd be happy, he was just completely ballistic.
Now, as I said earlier, my parents were very abusive, my father more physically so, my mother very emotionally. When he was telling me about how I didn't care about him and how much he resents my mental illness, I was right back in that place again. I had my back to him and was just crying my heart out. I had a lit cigarette in my hand and just kept wanting to put it against my arm because causing myself pain was always a coping mechanism when I was in emotional pain and felt like I couldn't respond or fight back. He is a big guy...400+ lbs, and he was right on top of me...I was that little child all over again.
The point to all this ranting and whining is that, with my mental state in such chaos right now, I really don't know how much of this relationship drama I can take. I already feel guilty enough because my mania often manifests itself as impatience and yelling at the kids, I just have no tolerance and I get so angry sometimes. Then I get plunged into the guilt and depression and tears after that 'cause I feel like a horrible mom and person and that I'm a burden to my family. I'm rapid cycling so badly right now and trying to mange it as best I can, but I feel like I'm failing most of the time. I've also always been one of those people that once something has been said, is out in the open, I can't get it out of my head...the things he said, they keep playing on a loop, and even once this acute drama is over, I'm never gonna forget them...I just feel lost right now :(