I Hate Him...Why Am I With Him??!!

At This Moment I am angry...At this moment I am irrational...let me state that first and foremost...yet still I hate him...I want to be free of him...he feels he can say the most hurtful things in the name of sarcasm...in the name of humor..in the name of "I'm just kidding, honey" and I'm supposed to be OK with it...for the better part of 12 years I've taken this...rolled with this, laughed with this, endured with this, let my already battered self-esteem tried to moor up under this...and still it goes on...and I wonder how much longer I can hold on...I came into this partnership bruised and injured and he knew this, and in the beginning he handled me with kid gloves, sometimes, when he remembered, when it was convenient, when he wasn't too emotionally invested, when he wasn't himself inebrieated, or invested, but when he was, all bets were off...now, those days and thoughts are long gone...now ALL bets are off...really. I never meant for it to be this way...never understood what that would mean. I should have healed myself before I entered into this contract. A child still full of wounds had no business trying to shoulder the burdens of a woman. I still feel like that child so much inside, like I am playing house with half a deck of cards and spit in place of super glue...Abracadabra instead of real magic...just waiting for someone to call me on my bluff.
Our relationship has deteriorated so much with time...and I know that all relationships change...but it seems like this is more than that. He derives glee from tricking me, making me feel small and stupid, he likes being the quick and smart one. I come out in a an outfit for our night out and he tells me about the President's approval rating...I am not by nature disposed to men, so my patience with their quirks is relatively little...he knows this...he has pushed well past it. He is not physically appealing to me, has not been for a long time, his personality is quickly losing it's luster, the only thing left is the commitment of our children and the time we have invested in eachother...
I don't want to be cold...I don't want to be cruel...I am by nature a very emotional person and I do love him in my own way. He is a very hard person to love sometimes
though. He is abrasive, sarcastic, harsh, cold, self-absorbed, distant...he can also be loving and warm...and cuddly. However, he is more one than the other as you can see, though you'd never get him to admit it. Still, you might say I must love him a good bit or we wouldn't have been together for almost 12 years...but you must rememember that I was raised by a domineering psychotic bitch. I have a natural tendency to gravitate to dominant personalities. Although I do love him, in my own fashion. I also hate him now for the same reasons.
So what do I do?? When the House of Cards, so ill constructed,crumbles and there is no Fairy Godmother, what happens?? How does the fairy tale, or the nightmare, end??
I haven't been able to get hold of my therapist since Christmas, so I'm turning to a different outlet for answers...
NOW WHAT??