She's Up, Then She's Down, Then She's Up Again, or Mood Swings and Me...

I first wrote this a couple of months ago, before I started the particular med cocktail I am on now...but I reread it a lot and relate to it very much stillm so I thought I would share it:


UGH

I’m drinking again…

Drinking to dull the edges..drinking to reach the happy place…SLIDE and all will be well.

My life has been anti-climactic..more than I ever thought and less at the same time…I am devoted to the needs around me…questing to make everyone happier…my only self is reflected in their smiles and pleasure.

My thoughts are like a mythic Grecian monster…cut one off and two more grow back in the same place. My mind races all the time and I seek succor and release from the chaos.

Why don’t you see ME??

Why do I have to be a reflection of the world around me? Why do I NEED to make everyone at peace?

I see that I am a wasteland in myself, no real sense of who I am or where I am or what I am…just a vessel waiting to be filled..a mirror in a room with no lights.

So many times I want to curl up like a roly-poly bug..but the easy way is the coward’s way and as many labels as I have worn I have tried so so hard not to wear that one.



I'm still not in the "happy place"...I went to the head shrink wrappers today and they upped all my meds, I go back in 3 wks so they can most likely add Lithium to the mix. Psychiatric medicine is such an inexact science, it's very trial and error, you just hope that the errors are little ones!!

I decided to take a little break from slogging, (or blogging as the case may be) through the bad things...When you have spent a lifetime repressing crap, it is really not a good idea to dredge it all up in a week's time, very bad ju-ju!! I was quickly writing my own one way ticket to the loony bin. I know I have to deal with it and get it all out, but it hurts like crazy and sucks big donkey male parts!!