Empire Records and It's Many Implications
When I first saw the movie Empire Records I was barely 21, if that...life was full of promise and it embodied that time in my life completely...the world was an open book.
At that time, music was still best played loud, and Bryan and I would walk around downtown Lakeland at 2am. looking in the antique store windows and planning how we would decorate our home and our child's room. We lit our apt with candles and still slept under the same blanket. We made very little money and it wa somehow still more than enough. We both had impetuosity and optimism, music and motivation.
This movie is currently available on HBO on demand and Bryan has been watching it obsessively. He has downloaded the soundtrack and was playing it full blast when I got home tonight. He is very disatisfied with our lives and yearns for that time again. In many ways he reminds me of a high school quarterback who keeps re-living the "glory days"...life is moving forward while the occupant keeps trying to move backwards...not a happy combination.
He just keeps telling me how miserable he is...we never have enough money (this part is quite true). enough friends, enough excitement, enough fulfillment...He seems to resent our kids, the turns our life has taken, the responsibility that is a lodestone around his neck.
The thing that always gets me about this is that he has it easy...He works a desk job for 4 ten hr days while I have our 14 month old twins (and our 9 yo during the summer)...I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, plus care for the kids from waking to bedtime...he comes home from sitting on his buttoxes to sit on the couch or at the computer on his buttoxes while I make dinner, clean up from dinner, feed the animals, feed the kids, put the kids to bed, clean up the daily ick, and "spend time with him before bed...
His constant negativity and unhappiness grate on me like fingernails on a chalkboard...to me, he is the quintessential definition of someone who can't see the forest for their own stubbed toe.
I love him, but he exhausts me, and I have no idea what to do about it...I have spent the last 11+ yrs trying to make him happy, but it becomes more apparent with each passing day that he treasures his misery and nothing will ever take that away from him.
It makes me question the value of the last decade of my life.
posted by aangelgoddess @ 10:51 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Awwwwwww...I have one of those husbands too! I don't know what to tell you except, that maybe God chose you for the wife of Bryan because you are able to buoy up. I started on anti-depressants when I started dating Patrick, do you think there might be a reason????
Absolutely!!
I know how you are feeling too Angelpie. I think its hard on all of us, that we didn't become who we thought. Some of us just deal better with it than others. I think that sometimes men get this way because they can. Because we let them. We get blue and what do we do? We go and get medicated, because we have to find someway to function because people depend on us!!! Men rarely take antidepressants because they are allowed to lay around and feel sorry for themselves... since, once the children are CREATED, their job is DONE.
Ok, this isn't my blog, and i am sure that it didn't help one bit, but there it is all the same.
And Empire Records rocked!!
((hugs )) to you Angel.
Men... can't live with them, can't .... can't.... I have no inspriration. *sigh* I used to be funny and smart. Ok, Men... can't live with them, can't get their asses off a couch.
Best I can do.
Oh, Angel. I suspect this is one of those situations where your DH is unsatisfied with life in ways you can't fix--and unfortunately, you bear the brunt of it. I agree with the others that antidepressants can be a godsend! I also wonder if maybe he needs to look for a different job. I'm a firm believer in forward progress---If you're not happy about something, you need to make efforts to figure out what's not working and take steps to fix it. But it sounds like only your DH can do this for himself right now. I know I'm babbling and probably not making much sense, but I do sympathize.
--QDSB
We actually have a lot in common. I sympathize with you.
Anyway, Happy Rex Manning Day!
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