Waiting For Payday

Bryan and I have a new weekly ritual, not a fun one, but new at least. His direct deposit is supposed to be in the bank acct as of 12a Thurs...the last couple of weeks we have not followed the budget as well as we should, and so are without entertainment on Weds. night...no smokes, no beer, and a whole lotta blue funk.
Our ritual involves trying not to watch the clock as much as possible til 12a, then obsessively checking the acct online til the magical goddess of money decides to smile on us and deliver our small pittance...
It takes a lot for me to admit this, I know that most of my friends are better off financially than I and I have a lot of shame tied up in that, but life takes us on a twisting path, and this is where I am now.
(boy that was one monster run-on sentence)
I look at people around me, and often ponder what choices in their lives led them to their prosperity. I worked very very hard in school, and could have had a full scholarship to basically any college I wanted, but my mom would not provide her tax information, so I missed out...the joke being that she was the one that drilled into me that anyone who had any measure of success in their lives went to college!!
(one of the many many reasons I am so screwed up)
This also instilled a horrible deep dark feeling in me that since I am not financially endowed, I am somehow less of a person. I know that isn't true in the black and white, but it still gnaws at me and has a big place in my closet of insecurity.
I can't wait til the twins start scholl (hopefully pre-k) and I can go back to school myself. I always loved school and learning and I think I will feel a billion times better about myself when I am not only learning but learning and working towards the goal of having more prosperity. My mind also hungers for the fulfillment that comes from intellectual dialogue and discourse.
(12:09a and still no money)
It's amazing how slow time can crawl when you are looking forward to something...in this case that has 2 disparate but equal exemplifications.
(I hope that makes sense)
Ah, well...I think that is enough mental diarrhea for one night.